For most of my life, I’ve seen the gospel through a lens that’s been shaped by my own experiences and the evolving teachings I’ve absorbed. This, combined with my personality, passions, and a constant curiosity about the “who,” “what,” “when,” and “why” of everything. It has made it hard for me to fully embrace it or see how it applied to my everyday life when things got exceptionally difficult. Over the last few years, I’ve been more and more interested in truly understanding the gospel message in scripture. I think I was holding myself back from fully believing I was even capable.
I’m not sure why it took me 30 years to finally read it all and now read I it over and over – each time getting something new. And it took me a while to understand the full concept of sin, (beyond behavior) realizing it wasn’t about ‘Me’ being strong or good enough to follow the rules or avoiding sins.
Most Christians grow up hearing:
“Jesus is the Lamb.” “Old Testament sacrifices are important.” “God forgives because of Jesus.” But I think it might be rare for people to see the other connections:
Scripture is vital for knowing the real nature of God. With tangible tools and instructions for living a life that honors your purpose. It also offers a ‘freedom’ from being trapped in a sin that results in death. God does not want captives, He designed us to worship Him, and we are inclined to worship ‘something’ whether we realize it or not. Some things we worship do not harm us right away, some destroy us over time, and some just distract us from our purpose which is finding Him.
Once you understand the WHOLE story, you understand the WHYs, and a natural impulse to WORSHIP develops. Worship is not something you are forced to do, but a by-product of feeling brand-new. (Depending on how rough life might have been before you experience your brand-new-ness-usually determines how especially great you feel when you finally experience God in person). Humans are naturally gifted to worship, and the evidence is at every Super Bowl game or Taylor Swift concert. God does not accept our currency for repayment, He does not NEED anything from us, but He Does appreciate our creative forms of worship.
As we are all part of His family, He does offer his kids an eternity that is better than our wildest dreams, minus pain and suffering in a brand new body. A life with a purpose, without fear, and free from danger, but it is still your choice. Humans historically still choose to test the validity of such an idea – because they are only human. (However, it is highly ill-advised to test it-due to the struggle life already brings without His help). We are not promised an ‘easy life’ or a pain free existence, but we are promised that He sees us, is with us and the Hope that it will not last forever. We get one life and a limited amount of time to make the choice; that is a reality. The bigger story has an ending; with no cliffhanger. That is the long and short of it. Contrary to popular belief, God won’t force you to follow Him, just like he won’t force you to stop being evil until He returns to set the world right-side up. He will give you exactly what you choose – but humans cannot say they did not have a choice.
It appears many humans ‘have not’ caught on to the fact the gospel is not meant to oppress them, it is meant to save them from themselves and ultimately evil that only seeks to kill and destroy us. Yet, Gods patience somehow lasts longer than human imagination will ever comprehend. Scripture clearly describes who He is and the consequences of rejecting the truth that is offered; and He keeps His promises. Payment still had to be made for rebelling against God.
So Jesus came in…Jesus removed the power of sin forever. Not that we will not still experience temptations or issues ‘in this life’, but Jesus removed the power it has over us and the end consequence of death forever, giving us the promise of eternity after ‘this life’.
The moment I finally saw that distinction—when everything suddenly clicked into place:
The Book of Hebrews, Romans, the Cross, the Covenant System, and the continuity of Scripture – fits together. (It’s not crystal clear or easy to understand “Whys” of everything.)
I finally feel I am learning more than facts – but finally seeing the structure of the Gospel.
🌿 The piece I missed, the ‘why?’
*God accepted temporary sacrifices for centuries—not because they were enough, but because Jesus was coming.*
Every single sacrifice was God saying: “This is what sin costs. This is the pattern. This is the shadow. But the real sacrifice is coming.”
The Old Testament system was a prophetic placeholder. When Christ came, the placeholder became unnecessary—because the reality had arrived. That’s why Jesus says on the Cross: “It is finished.” Not just “My suffering.”
But the whole sacrificial system. The shadow is over. The substance is here. I am not just understanding things intellectually. It’s the Holy Spirit speaking: “Daughter, look. See my heart. Understand what I’ve always been doing.”
This is what sets us apart from just knowing about God and understanding His ways (Psalm 103:7). I am finally beginning to learn His ways. And that continues to change how I teach, speak, write, or disciple—Because the foundation is solid. What really gets me is that I hesitated to share my faith because I wasn’t fully understanding the truth, or I wasn’t convinced enough that others could grasp it (but that is not my job, mine is just to tell it). It is not my job to convince anybody to believe or follow. Just because my own life experience gave me confidence and faith and a relationship with God. I still felt a bit hesitant to share it with others. Once the truth became clear, everything else looked simple—almost embarrassingly simple—and from my perspective, humanity looks surprisingly stubborn.
It’s been a source of comfort for me, although I feel most isolated in this journey. I’m just an ordinary single mom, almost a grandmother, and it’s surprising how many insights I’m gaining that echo those I had as a young person. Often I feel like I’ve somehow missed the mark in responding to His Call to ministry years ago—that urging from my heart and mind never quite faded. The scriptures consistently describe how God shapes, calls, and prepares His people. The experience I’m having is what God does with a person when He’s getting them ready for something.
For instance, my prayers where I beg Him to explain why I am still here… What purpose do I have with all the energy, compassion, and empathy I feel for others, and no power or resources to share? This year in particular, the answer is the same: WAIT… BE STILL. Know that I am God.” — As I meditate and focus on scripture, the message becomes clearer: I am not special in this… (To be clear, I am NOT calling myself a prophet; merely stating I feel ‘less’ strange when I describe a feeling that has been shared as experienced by others who were called by God in any capacity.)
– MOSES spent 40 years in the wilderness.
– DAVID spent years tending sheep after being anointed.
– PAUL spent 3 silent years in Arabia after conversion.
– MARY “pondered all these things in her heart.”
– ANNA engaged in quiet devotion in the temple.
– JOHN THE BAPTIST hid in the desert.
– JESUS HIMSELF spent 30 years of quiet before his ministry.
The pattern is unmistakable: FIRST comes quiet, THEN comes clarity, THEN comes calling. QUIET → CLARITY → CALLING.
I am currently in the quiet stage, which is where the deepest work happens.
Even time at Ms. Pearl’s isn’t random; it’s a special space. It’s my modern equivalent of Moses’ hillside, David’s pasture, Paul’s Arabia, Anna’s side room, and Jesus’ solitary places. God often chooses people in seemingly ordinary or even obscure places. …but those are the moments when His voice really shines.
I didn’t pick the time. It was given to me. It’s meant to be. It’s sacred.
My Bible study feels “different” because the Spirit is guiding me the Word in these moments. When Scripture becomes: Alive, layered, cohesive, interconnected, and weighty, and personal.
I have been experiencing Peace + Restlessness = The call is real, but not yet active. This combination—is more normal than I realized. It does confirm that God has placed something inside me that’s growing, forming, but not yet a time to act.
Jeremiah described his calling like this:
“YOUR WORD IS IN MY HEART LIKE A FIRE… I AM WEARY OF HOLDING IT IN.” (JER. 20:9)
And how Paul described his:
“WOE TO ME IF I DO NOT PREACH THE GOSPEL.” (1 COR. 9:16)
And how David felt before his kingdom:
“MY SOUL IS RESTLESS UNTIL IT FINDS YOU.” (PSALM 62)
Restlessness doesn’t mean “something is wrong with me.” It means: “Something is coming.”
I was so hopeful that my prayers would be answered, even when I felt like I was just talking to myself. Everyone God has chosen has experienced this moment: Hannah praying quietly, David alone at night, Daniel by his window, Elijah in a cave, Jesus in the wilderness, Paul in blindness, and John exiled on Patmos. And what did God do? He spoke, He heard, He answered, He prepared, and He strengthened them. I’m not talking to myself; I’m talking to the One who “hears before I call and answers while I am speaking.” The calm I feel is not just in my head; it’s the presence of God.
What I seek is more calling-clarity. Identity-awakening. Spiritual integration. Soul alignment. Right now it feels like I am reaching a the point where my past, my present, my longings, my wounds, my gifting, my personality, my studies, my experiences, and my hunger for truth…all begin to converge.
I’ve been trying to get another human being to reassure me that I’m not losing my mind. I was looking for a spiritual mentor, but maybe what I needed was to truly embrace what I already knew. To tell myself, “No, I’m not overthinking,” “No, I’m not imagining it,” “Yes, it is an awakening,” and this is why everything feels both heavy and bright at the same time.
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